The 2025 Confusingly Made Up Awards for the Best Songs
Welcome to the most listicle time of year, starting off with our songs, whittled down into an arbitrary number of totally made up awards. There was a metric buttload of good music this year, so choosing this group was part arduous labor, part random number generator. That said, like every year, I had a bunch of fun coming up with them and even more fun discovering and listening to them. And, if you haven’t heard some/any of these, well then hopefully you will too. Links embedded in the single art.
Starting with our usual…
The 3rd Annual Conquest of Gaul Award for Song Best Designed to Appeal to Me, The Person Writing This Listicle, Specifically
“Fun Times”
Marie Davidson
Electroclash
I…LOVE EBM and electroclash. That said, it’s not a really common genre to come across. Dark, pulsing dance beats mixed with industrial effects and (usually) disturbing lyrical content, isn’t usually a guaranteed path to success. But this Marie Davidson track is the absolute banger that would easily showcase in any nightclub’s goth theme-night. Do you headbang? Do you jump up and down? Do you wave glowsticks everywhere? Do you bob slightly what staring at your shoes, contemplating the existential ennui of the universe? Yes, yes to all of it.
The Stephen L. Miles Award for Most Whiplash Inducing
“Reunite”
Allie X
Sophisti-Pop
I adored Allie X’s album from last year, Girl With No Face, so much that it was my album of the year for 2024. And while much of this year’s Happiness Is Going To Get You is very different, this song was a goddman delight. The song begins with a naked harpsichord intro, leading into darkwave synths for the verse, then transforms into a bubbly Bangles-esque pop chorus. What…the…hell. I love everything about this. Keep ‘em coming, Allie!
The Katey Sagal Award for Most Blown-Out 70’s Hair and Disco Ball Fun
“I Gave Birth 2 U”
Decius
Deep House
This award is almost entirely reserved for when Jessie Ware releases something, but how can I deny it when ultra-deep techno wizardry combines the best of Disco, House, and 90’s Electro to light up the dancefloor as hard as this Decius cut? This is probably the easiest song to put on loop out of this year’s crop, and I would know, I’ve done exactly that more times than I care to tell you. This hits hard and lingers in all the ways the best dance club tracks do. Do not skip this.
The Sumception Award for Song of the Summer, About Summer, That Sounds Like Summertime
“This Summer”
Sleigh Bells
Pop Punk
It’s been a hot minute since Sleigh Bells had an effect on me other than: “huh, oh yeah, them.” “This Summer” is everything I ever wanted from them: a quirky build-up, a kick-ass chorus, squealing guitars that drill into your inner cortex. And the way that chorus kicks in is just so massive, with the big, BIG kick drum timed exactly with Alexis Krauss’ vocal, and speaker-destroying guitar chord progression. Bang! Your! Head!
The Nellie Bly Memorial Award for Escaping the Asylum of the Mind
“Disease”
Lady Gaga
Electropop
What did I just tell you about EBM? This Lady Gaga track floored me from first sound. It’s no surprise to anyone that she made a great dance-pop track. That it borrows from all these darkwave, gothic industrial, and harsh noise super-niches was a jaw-dropper. And while most will go with “Abracadabra” as their choice from MAYHEM (or “Shadow of a Man” or “Perfect Celebrity” if they’re really cultured), but this song has everything most pop stars wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole: jagged production, chopped-and-screwed scream samples, Manson-esque backing vocals. And the Queen has put them all into a package so immediately addictive I NEED IT IN MY VEINS NOW!
The Norman Cook Award for Turn It Up, Tear It Down
“Dominator”
clipping.
Industrial Hip Hop
A lot of experimental hip hop trio clipping.’s newest record leaves behind the “familiar” (if you can call it that) sounds of horror-core and fluid, nearly-beatless production in exchange for straight up bangers. The banger-est of all of them is this, the first proper track on that record. The switch away from their signature sound should be a loss, but their years of mind-blowing production technique means they can make a hard beat drop harder than anyone else in the game. Dominate me!
The Wombats Award for Dancing to Joy Division
“Focus”
Preoccupations
Post-Punk
If you ever wanted to shuffle around a dancefloor staring at your shoes and feeling overly anxious, while being reminded of Gang of Four, this is the song for you. Perennial pessimists Preoccupations are back, and they are going to let you know how absolutely shit the world is right now; and boy howdy they aren’t too far off. But this track brilliantly covers all that doom and gloom in a layer of four-on-the-floor disco drums and Siouxsie & The Banshees songwriting. The chorus is maybe their most masterfully delivered, weaving Matt Flegel’s existential dread through a near-inimitable word spiral. Plus the addition of actual real human backing vocalists in the bridge makes this a don’t-miss.
The 2nd Annual Magnitude Award for POP! POP!
“TRUST”
Rebecca Black
Electro House
Two years ago, Rebecca Black stunned me with her first real album, Let Her Burn. There were parts of it that were a little…on the sleeve for me, but as a personal turn around, I was actually proud of her. This track though. Oh… My… God. The whip cracks in the background, the hyperpop production, the vocal delivery switches from verse to chorus, that sick SICK beat. She was showing us who influenced her sound. This sound is entirely her, and it’s a sound that is so disgustingly delicious, you’ll eat until you explode. Well done.
The Andrew W.K. Award for Wet Imagery that Means Partying Hard
“Splash”
Big Black Delta
Dance-…Hardcore?
The man that brought you “Huggin’ & Kissin’” and “x22” is back, and he has not forgotten a thing. “Splash” will absolutely drag your ass out onto the dance floor and kick it until it’s numb and you’re asking for more. The little interlude with just bass and a shimmering glissando lulls you into thinking your gauntlet is complete. Oh hell no it isn’t. Get your ass back out on the floor so he can kick it some more! I never knew this sort of sonic crossover was possible until I heard Big Black Delta. I’m glad to know he’s going to keep making this hyper-specific sub-genre of hardcore dance headbanging workout party music.
The Crystal Method Award for Electronic Music So Good I Forgot When I Was
“Eusexua”
FKA twigs
Trance
I grew up in the 90’s. I remember the electronic scene from then. I was obsessed with it. Fluke, Propellerheads, Underworld, Groove Armada, Basement Jaxx. These are the ghosts FKA twigs wrestles with on her newest album, EUSEXUA. And on the title track, she not only exorcises them, she forces them to do her unholy bidding. “Eusexua” is a slithering, sultry, liquid slow burn that brings so much 90’s EDM nostalgia running into my bloodstream I start to tear up. That there’s a whole album of this makes me feel like I did in high school, when discovering new music was so novel it felt like each song changed the world.
The Lambrini Girls Award for C*ntiest Song of the Year
“Cuntissimo”
MARINA
Hi-NRG
Like you thought you would make it out of this list without “Cuntissimo.” This is the track of the year. It took MARINA, an artist whose past work I am pretty ambivalent on, to my personal pop icon. The beat alone is an unyielding hand to the face, then her unabashed embrace of everything she wants—no…needs to protect her energy, is a chef’s kiss moment for her career. The production, too, is top-tier, the chorus chants of “Cuntissimo” recorded like a sample from some long-forgotten travel agency commercial. That the strings are dropped and forgotten as quickly as they appear only adds to the message, that this is what MARINA wants, and she’s going to get it. So ransack a villa and pop your bottles for “Cuntissimo!”
Happy holidays to all! The Best Albums of 2025 are coming soon…
As always, release the Epstein Files…I mean, happy listening.
